OK, so I can clearly see that I’m blind. That was a fun oxymoron, but really the truth. More are more lately, as huge decisions rest on my ability to accurately determine God’s will for my life, I am faced with the dilemma that I am so humanly blinded to His plan for me.
Just one of many major decisions before me: should I go to Malawi this summer or not? The idea developed literally overnight and took off from there, so it grabbed hold of me and wouldn’t let go. First it was going to be summer 2009, with two other girls. Then we switched to this summer and one of the girls found she could not go. That left me, Krista, and summer 2008 ll by ourselves in God’s hands. I feel like my heart got shipped over there ahead of me! I want to be there. Just envisioning the impact this trip could have on both the people of Malawi and my own heart makes me want to jump on a plane right now and worry about finances and all the details later.
Yet I can’t. How can I possibly jump ahead in this when I don’t know yet if I have God’s approval? I was going to be a counselor at New Life Bible Camp this year, and now that could change. Where does God want me? Malawi, Pennsylvania, or somewhere else altogether? The last thing I want to do is rush forward, dive off the edge of the platform, and plunge into the waters of activity before I even know if God is asking me to take that leap! If I force God’s hand and demand my way, acting as if it’s in His plan, what will the consequences be? I could get sick and not be able to go to college in the fall. Hey, for all I know I could die! It is honestly a dangerous trip. Without God’s approval and hand of protection, more than the failure of a trip is at stake and I fear the consequences.
Yet someone I asked to pray for me responded with this: “I remember something Ron Luce wrote, something like, ‘If you want to go on a missions trip, by all means go, because God already called you to do that during the Great Commission. But if, once you’ve already said that you will go and God says, no, not this time, that’s when you quit the trip.'” That hit me really hard and pointed me towards what I believe is the right way to go with this. I should assume God accepts and approves this, that it is His will, because He did command us to go unto the ends of the earth and teach His Word. That’s what we are doing. What I need to watch for is not a sign telling us we should go; rather, I should look for a sign telling us we should not.
I tend to be brick-headed, and God often takes me and slams me with something even harder than my head in order to make me pay attention. If He needs to tell me “no” about this, He’s probably going to have to do it like that. It’s gonna hurt, whether me or someone else (my dad nearly died once because of my stubbornness against God–ask me sometime). Please pray for me. Pray for my eyes to be opened and my heart to be soft, so that God would be able to tell me His will in the least dramatic way possible. Help me to see His signs and know His will. Please pray for me! Pray for me, pray for Malawi, and pray for, above all, God’s will to be done in me.
Thank you for your prayers! (And if you actually read all the way through that outpouring of helter-skelter emotion, congratulations on your fortitude!)