I realized yesterday that it’s been forever since I’ve written something here. Frankly, there hasn’t been much to write. I’ve been working as a waitress, which is pretty mundane, four days a week, and life is pretty routine outside of that.
The mundaneness of life currently, plus the fact that it’s winter, might be why I’m struggling with some depression right now. I’m not motivated to do anything, I have a hard time getting out of bed, and oh my goodness, the mood swings. Anyone who knows me knows I’m usually level-headed and cheerful, and I’ve been far from that lately. This funk I’m in is changing who I am and I hate it.
Yet out of it has come some good. To escape the routine and get myself feeling good, I learned to play guitar and latched onto a favorite band whose music makes me feel happy (see the Jonas Brothers post below). I’ve been writing a lot of songs and even finished two novels that I’ve been writing for several years. Even while I struggle with feelings of self-worth, irritability, and just plain sluggishness, I’m opening up new things in myself to fight those symptoms of depression.
And, as usual, when something like this happens that causes me to realize my own human frailty, it draws me back to my Father. It’s definitely a cycle. I’m strong, doing well, and relying on God. I fall away. I weaken and realize I need to rely on Him again (even if it sometimes takes a whack on the head!). This one has scared me more than most. I’ve seen both of my parents deep in depression several years ago. It made them into people they weren’t, people their children were afraid of and who drew away from not only the world, but God as well. I feel myself clinging to the edge of a cliff, and I’m not going down that way. I can’t save myself, so I must rely on God to save me instead. As usual, he’ll pick me up, dust me off, and set me back on my feet, then wait for me to throw myself off a cliff again.
But right now, I’m just so thankful I have a patient God, a merciful Savior, who is willing to save me, not once by washing me in His blood, but every day, over and over again.