Being a Water-Walker

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How Confused! December 2, 2007

Filed under: Dating/Courtship,Family,Growth,Marriage,Prayer,Uncategorized — judgedbyhim @ 8:23 pm

I don’t know… life is just crazy right now. I’m so weirded out by things in general. I guess it’s also known as stress. I quit my second job because of situations I don’t feel like talking about. Trying to find another, knowing my options entail either a suffocating, greasy work atmosphere or a harassing, verbally abusive boss, is not encouraging. Work in general is getting to me, even though my other job is relatively pleasant.

I got sick on Thanksgiving, and I’m still trying to recover my voice. It’s not going so well, even worse now that I sang (pitifully) in the choir today and wore out my vocal chords more than usual. My college application is stressing me out, because I have to get a doctor’s appointment scheduled for it, which is bad enough, but it includes a shot and I’m scared stiff (and shaking) of needles.

Finally, I’m having some spiritual struggles. I’m still in the letdown after the spiritual high summer camp gave me. All the commitments I made over the summer are throw into sharp relief against the reality of my life and my own humanity. Specifically, turning the pen of my love story over to God has turned out to be a lot harder than I thought. It’s not as scary as it was, I’m committed to it, and I love the ease of knowing it’s taken care of. Still, it’s so hard for me to keep my emotional sanctity. I’m a female, which means I tend to be emotional; I’m 17, which makes it even worse; and I’m also a hopeless romantic. So it’s really hard for me to keep my heart out of things. I’m trying, I really am, but I keep thinking, “What if he’s the one?” and just taking it too far emotionally. I’ve also been receiving some tough criticism about my standards from people very close to me, which hurts a lot though I think it’s meant to be joking.

What’s left, then? When I don’t know, I’m too weak, and I’m glaringly helpless, what do I do? I can only do one thing: turn back to the One who made me. Just as I relied upon Him to write my love story, just as I rely on Him for providence in my future education, just as I rely upon Him to strengthen me again Satan’s attacks, I must turn to Him when my own humanity gets in the way. My self-reliance and selfishness is doing the opposite of what I need; it only weakens me further. It hurts so much to ask God to break me when I already feel bruised, but if I just let go it wouldn’t hurt so much!

I need to realize just how much I need God and just how little I need myself. The significance of God casts such a shadow of insignificance upon my own abilities that it’s quite the reality check. So, God will handle the stress. I remember the old chorus, “Turn your eyes upon Jesus/ Look full in His wonderful face/ And the things of earth will grow strangely dim/ In the light of his glory and grace”.

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Blind on a Precipice August 8, 2007

Filed under: Evangelism,Prayer,Unbelievers — judgedbyhim @ 9:41 pm

I have little time to write an in-depth or lengthy post tonight. I thought I would give an update on my activities and my thoughts lately. I arrived home from camp Saturday night and gloried in sleeping in my own soft bed in comfortable surroundings with people I know how to handle. Saying goodbye to my friends was tearful and sad, but we all plan to see each other soon. Monday, I drove six hours with the rest of my family to Ohio, where my grandparents live. I enjoy seeing them again, as well as relaxing after a summer of hard work. Maybe I’ll even put a little bronze in my skin! Plenty of people say, “Oh, you must get so tan, working at a camp all summer!” So one would think, except that I’m kitchen staff, so I’m stuck inside, in the kitchen, all day long. Therefore I’m pale as white marble!

One thing I’ve been realizing lately: I see how lost unbelievers truly are. They are so ignorant (not in the insulting form, but the authentic meaning) about anything Christian. Everything I speak of about Christ or goals related to Him (i.e. Bible college or missions work) is met with stoic silence as they try to decide how to answer. They are convinced I am brainwashed or gullible. Have they any idea how much the name of Christ means to me? Do they know how I long to do His will? No, they could not. Because they refuse to believe in Him, they have never experienced His love, and therefore do not know what amazing things His love inspires inside the beloved. They think I am wasting my life, throwing away what talents and skills I have, for the sake of a fantasy deity. They simply do not see! They cannot tell that doing this is not throwing away my talents, but investing them in the highest way possible! Becoming a no-income missionary is not being poor; it is the richest life in the universe or outside it.

Oh, how it pains me! The skepticism and incredulity towards me is not what hurts. Neither is it the pointed questions that fly around me that clearly show their condescension of my beliefs. It is the simple but vastly vital fact that they do not know the love of my precious Christ. They are so secure in their own positions in the world, living in high society, sure of their success and happiness. They are like people so lost in the dark that they cannot see where they dangle precariously on the sheer edge of an abyss. They feel a strain in their arms as they cling to slipping, fading hopes, but attribute it to the work they have done to succeed. The darkness blinds them so completely they do not see the danger. I come to them, brilliant in the reflection of my Father’s light, seeking to show them their position by my light’s revelation, but they thrust me away in pain and terror. They cry that the light burns their eyes and can only be harmful. They refuse to acknowledge the light even as reality, calling it a deception and foolishness, a hallucination that shows them the edge of a false, deadly cliff. Ay! How painful it is to me! I run after them, weeping, begging them to listen, trying to bounce off the hurtful darts they fling at me with their words. Still they scorn me, condescend me, ignore me… ignore me… ever ignore me…

God, give them eyes to see! Let them acknowledge the Light of Life! Let them see Your light for what it is: holy, pure, kind, healing, gentle, peaceful, happy. Strip them of their cruel, comforting darkness. Show them their predicament. Frightening thought it may be for them to see it, I pray you will show them so they will cling to you. Though it pains me to ask it, I beg you to break them! I love these people so much and hesitate to request hurt to them, but I know it is best. Break them, Holy Father! Break them, let them realize they must call out to you, and help them to allow you to build them up. Bring them into total surrender, O Lord. Then their darkness will be light, their pain healing, their suffering joy. Their struggles will be peace, their dissatisfaction contentment. Then, towards me and towards You, their scorn will be love and their challenge acceptance. I wait, Father, with exultant eagerness!

–Katrina