Apologies

Life is interesting. It’s strange how the smallest things you say can really mean so much to other people–even when you didn’t mean them that heavily. It’s interesting how what seems like a casual question can really have so much riding on it, and then it causes problems when you don’t answer it with the same gravity, when you don’t think about a question before answering it (well, that’s intelligent, I know).

And then, once you say things, you can never take them back. I’m a writer. I’m used to being able to write something, decide that’s not really what I meant to say, and hit the backspace button until I’m free to express my heart correctly. But there are some forms of writing that aren’t conducive to fixing mistakes. And the worst thing is, once that writing is out there, you can’t make the people who see it believe that it wasn’t really what you meant.

Do you just apologize? Maybe that’s what they want to hear. Maybe they want to know you’ve cried over losing them.

Every relationship has its ups and downs. And it has occurred to me that, often enough, the downs are a result not of true conflict but of simple misunderstanding. Emotions are so hard in an IM, aren’t they? Late nights, tough days, and distracted thoughts can produce incoherency and saying things you don’t mean, or that are meant so differently than they were said. And something “losing magic” can simply be because someone had the worst day she’s had in weeks.

And the more I try to fix it, the more I know it needs to be fixed. If it hasn’t become blindingly clear by now how much I need what you think I don’t need or don’t want, then I shouldn’t call myself a writer after all. I certainly haven’t expressed myself clearly, if that’s the case. Would I try this hard to fix it if I didn’t need you? If I didn’t desperately love you?

Me = stupid sometimes. A lot of times. I’m only thankful I have a God to forgive my stupidity. But God’s not the only one whose forgiveness I have to beg sometimes.

I should stop rambling and get to my point: I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I guess that’s the most I can say. I can’t make you believe it–but I can beg.

–Kat